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Just cant help myself
Nov. 1st, 2007 | 07:51 pm
mood: 
anxious
Yet again... I just cant help myself.
I work as a one to one carer and spend a lot of my time out and about at "eating places", of cause I have to eat, so I have just one small meal a day nothing more just enough to stop people suspecting me.
Yesterday I'd ran out of the good old laxatives and freaked when I realised, so this morning straight out to buy some, bought double strength took some and felt really proud.. lolol get home to a load of abuse from other half feel shit so take some more, what the f@~k am I doing to myself pretty obvious I'm going to get no sleep tonight!!!
I feel sometimes I'm normal then boooom something starts me off.
What the heck do I do??
I work as a one to one carer and spend a lot of my time out and about at "eating places", of cause I have to eat, so I have just one small meal a day nothing more just enough to stop people suspecting me.
Yesterday I'd ran out of the good old laxatives and freaked when I realised, so this morning straight out to buy some, bought double strength took some and felt really proud.. lolol get home to a load of abuse from other half feel shit so take some more, what the f@~k am I doing to myself pretty obvious I'm going to get no sleep tonight!!!
I feel sometimes I'm normal then boooom something starts me off.
What the heck do I do??
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Today I am really down
Nov. 1st, 2007 | 10:03 am
mood: 
depressed
I am battling today, home life rubbish. work rubbish in fact everything is rubbish.
Ive ran out of laxatives just when I needed them, I ate at teatime yesterday cos the person I was with likes to eat out whenever there with me, think it makes them feel better to offer me food, I know their concerned about me, they have seen me loose 1 1/2 stone in a matter of weeks. If I'm happy I feel almost normal and food isn't as big a issue, but being in a controlled relationship controlling my food is the only thing I have, so I'm stuck in this vicious circle of self abuse.
What a deep first entry!!! sorry
My mum wants to take me to the doctors, but I'm worried I'll get put on antidepressants which I really dont want. Or worst she will mention my weight.
Love and hugs x
Ive ran out of laxatives just when I needed them, I ate at teatime yesterday cos the person I was with likes to eat out whenever there with me, think it makes them feel better to offer me food, I know their concerned about me, they have seen me loose 1 1/2 stone in a matter of weeks. If I'm happy I feel almost normal and food isn't as big a issue, but being in a controlled relationship controlling my food is the only thing I have, so I'm stuck in this vicious circle of self abuse.
What a deep first entry!!! sorry
My mum wants to take me to the doctors, but I'm worried I'll get put on antidepressants which I really dont want. Or worst she will mention my weight.
Love and hugs x